Dark Phoenix
Jun. 7th, 2019 04:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
psocopteraI liked it - I thought it hit some good character beats, and I liked how it retold the Phoenix story differently than the last go-round.
Behind the cut, a spoilery synopsis.
LITTLE JEAN: *is a mutant*
MOM: Shit, I think our kid is a mutant.
DAD: I'm not bigoted but nothing good ever happens to the parents in the opening scene of an X-Men movie.
INDEED, IT IS NOT GOOD.
LATER
NASA: Ok, it's 1992, so the world is already primed by the Challenger disaster to be scared of losing another orbiter, but it's before Columbia and anyways this is the Endeavour so the audience can get the subconscious satisfaction of a Columbia rescue in space without it being in poor taste, we good?
AUDIENCE TEENS: Oh yah I guess that's that space shuttle thing they used to have back then
RAVEN: I don't think we can go back for the last guy safely!
CHARLES: There's no X in OSHA. Get the fuck over there.
INDEED, IT IS NOT SAFE.
ALIENS: We heard we were doing the Battle of Five Armies in the last act, we'll be here when you're ready, 'kay?
AUDIENCE: ...sure?
RAVEN, in JEAN'S HEAD with CHARLES: ... is this normal?
CHARLES: Oh god no you would not *believe* how much mind-control I've done on her.
JEAN: *Get out of my head!!!*
CHARLES: Nope!
AUDIENCE: Yikes.
JEAN: Everyone betrays me!
RAVEN: I will never give up on you.
JEAN accidentally blasts RAVEN backwards into a FRIDGE, which slams shut on her.
SCOTT: I totally expected that to be me.
JEAN: How do I not lose control??
ERIK: I have no idea, I never lose control, I just make questionable choices.
HANK: Yeah, so Jean killed Raven.
ERIK: We must team up and form... the Ravengers!
ERIK, HANK, A DUDE WITH PREHENSILE DREADLOCKS, and A PSIONIC LADY vs CHARLES, SCOTT, STORM, and KURT: Obligatory mutant-on-mutant battle!
THE US ARMY: No matter how hard you tried to be a model minority, we will always be poised to re-oppress you the second you start having a major throwdown in a crowded street!
PEOPLE on the SUBWAY that ERIK just pulled up from underground: Yeah, we're okay with that, do you know how long we had to wait for an L train?
ALIENS: You could be so powerful! It'll be fun!
JEAN: Hm, no. Can I just give the power back?
ALIENS: Ok! Bee tee dubs we're gonna destroy the world.
CHARLES: Jean, there is no U in Team! You can't let them have it!
JEAN: Darn.
THE US ARMY: *captures everyone except for the ALIENS*
THE ALIENS: *are coming*
BOTH SETS OF MUTANTS, WHO THE US ARMY HAVE CAREFULLY SORTED ONTO OPPOSITE SIDES OF A TRAIN CAR SO THEY CAN FACE EACH OTHER DRAMATICALLY, AND PUT JEAN INTO A SEPARATE CAR SO THAT ALL FIVE FACTIONS ARE ON THIS TRAIN: You miiiight want to let us go?
THE US ARMY: I'm sure we can handle this.
THE LAST GUY STANDING IN THE US ARMY: Wait, you may have had a point.
ERIK, HANK, A DUDE WITH PREHENSILE DREADLOCKS, A PSIONIC LADY, SCOTT, STORM, and KURT: Obligatory mutant team-up against the ALIENS!
CHARLES: So I was a dick.
JEAN: Can't argue.
JEAN: *is the most badass thing in the X-iverse, destroys the ALIENS, sacrifices herself to take the last one out*
JEAN: This is *so much better* than getting killed by Wolverine.
CHARLES: *randomly in Paris, the City of Love*
ERIK: Sooo, wanna come live with me and make a thousand fans squeal in glee?
CHARLES: Maybe.
A THOUSAND FANS: *squeal anyways*
Behind the cut, a spoilery synopsis.
LITTLE JEAN: *is a mutant*
MOM: Shit, I think our kid is a mutant.
DAD: I'm not bigoted but nothing good ever happens to the parents in the opening scene of an X-Men movie.
INDEED, IT IS NOT GOOD.
LATER
NASA: Ok, it's 1992, so the world is already primed by the Challenger disaster to be scared of losing another orbiter, but it's before Columbia and anyways this is the Endeavour so the audience can get the subconscious satisfaction of a Columbia rescue in space without it being in poor taste, we good?
AUDIENCE TEENS: Oh yah I guess that's that space shuttle thing they used to have back then
RAVEN: I don't think we can go back for the last guy safely!
CHARLES: There's no X in OSHA. Get the fuck over there.
INDEED, IT IS NOT SAFE.
ALIENS: We heard we were doing the Battle of Five Armies in the last act, we'll be here when you're ready, 'kay?
AUDIENCE: ...sure?
RAVEN, in JEAN'S HEAD with CHARLES: ... is this normal?
CHARLES: Oh god no you would not *believe* how much mind-control I've done on her.
JEAN: *Get out of my head!!!*
CHARLES: Nope!
AUDIENCE: Yikes.
JEAN: Everyone betrays me!
RAVEN: I will never give up on you.
JEAN accidentally blasts RAVEN backwards into a FRIDGE, which slams shut on her.
SCOTT: I totally expected that to be me.
JEAN: How do I not lose control??
ERIK: I have no idea, I never lose control, I just make questionable choices.
HANK: Yeah, so Jean killed Raven.
ERIK: We must team up and form... the Ravengers!
ERIK, HANK, A DUDE WITH PREHENSILE DREADLOCKS, and A PSIONIC LADY vs CHARLES, SCOTT, STORM, and KURT: Obligatory mutant-on-mutant battle!
THE US ARMY: No matter how hard you tried to be a model minority, we will always be poised to re-oppress you the second you start having a major throwdown in a crowded street!
PEOPLE on the SUBWAY that ERIK just pulled up from underground: Yeah, we're okay with that, do you know how long we had to wait for an L train?
ALIENS: You could be so powerful! It'll be fun!
JEAN: Hm, no. Can I just give the power back?
ALIENS: Ok! Bee tee dubs we're gonna destroy the world.
CHARLES: Jean, there is no U in Team! You can't let them have it!
JEAN: Darn.
THE US ARMY: *captures everyone except for the ALIENS*
THE ALIENS: *are coming*
BOTH SETS OF MUTANTS, WHO THE US ARMY HAVE CAREFULLY SORTED ONTO OPPOSITE SIDES OF A TRAIN CAR SO THEY CAN FACE EACH OTHER DRAMATICALLY, AND PUT JEAN INTO A SEPARATE CAR SO THAT ALL FIVE FACTIONS ARE ON THIS TRAIN: You miiiight want to let us go?
THE US ARMY: I'm sure we can handle this.
THE LAST GUY STANDING IN THE US ARMY: Wait, you may have had a point.
ERIK, HANK, A DUDE WITH PREHENSILE DREADLOCKS, A PSIONIC LADY, SCOTT, STORM, and KURT: Obligatory mutant team-up against the ALIENS!
CHARLES: So I was a dick.
JEAN: Can't argue.
JEAN: *is the most badass thing in the X-iverse, destroys the ALIENS, sacrifices herself to take the last one out*
JEAN: This is *so much better* than getting killed by Wolverine.
CHARLES: *randomly in Paris, the City of Love*
ERIK: Sooo, wanna come live with me and make a thousand fans squeal in glee?
CHARLES: Maybe.
A THOUSAND FANS: *squeal anyways*
