the true meaning of waaaitasec

Realized this evening that, at about 90% done with Christmas shopping, we'd totally forgotten about Juniper - not in terms of her getting presents (trust me, the relatives have that covered) but in terms of *giving* presents, which (unlike previous years) is probably something she could have some understanding of this year. I quickly put together (mentally) a half-assed plan (she can help me wrap everything and we'll give it jointly, and next year we'll get her involved in actually picking stuff out that can be from her). But then I was talking to Chaos about this, and she pointed out - or something she said made me realize, let me emphasize here that all Scrooge- or Grinch-like opinions about gift culture are entirely mine and not Chaos's in any way - that we *don't actually have to indoctrinate Junie in gift-giving if we choose not to*. It's *not actually obligatory for her*, insofar as she answers primarily to us. Sure, it's a big cultural deal and we would have to help her navigate the flak around not just playing along - we'd certainly have to teach her enough about it to understand the idea, and to be able to do it appropriately if she wanted to - but, like, *I could never receive a gift from her*. ::rainbows and stars:: I could raise her to not give me presents and she would grow up not doing it and we could be totally free, between us, of at least that particular strand of the whole stupid web. Snip!

Would one strand even make a difference? I'm not sure. The relatives seem to take great delight in giving her things, or at least claim that *not* being allowed to do so would be vastly more burdensome than being indulged; they are surely all assuming that we're going to raise her to reciprocate, and I'm sufficiently brainwashed that it would feel very uncomfortable breaking the exchange rule. And for that matter the schools may have her making Craft Objects To Give Your Mommy and I wouldn't want that to be upsetting for her if she knows she's not supposed to give her Mommy things but the school said to, wah. So she's pretty entangled in the damn web.

It was just crazy liberating for a moment to realize that maybe we could carve a little space between us where this social norm doesn't sit *quite* so heavily, that maybe she'll never have to lie to me about appreciating things she didn't want, that maybe she won't have any idea what to get me and I'll be able to say "thanks, but I already have everything I want" and she'll actually be able to hear me say it. I could choose not to command that performance. We could *win*, we don't *have* to play.