the true meaning of waaaitasec

[psocoptera]

Realized this evening that, at about 90% done with Christmas shopping, we'd totally forgotten about Juniper - not in terms of her getting presents (trust me, the relatives have that covered) but in terms of *giving* presents, which (unlike previous years) is probably something she could have some understanding of this year. I quickly put together (mentally) a half-assed plan (she can help me wrap everything and we'll give it jointly, and next year we'll get her involved in actually picking stuff out that can be from her). But then I was talking to Chaos about this, and she pointed out - or something she said made me realize, let me emphasize here that all Scrooge- or Grinch-like opinions about gift culture are entirely mine and not Chaos's in any way - that we *don't actually have to indoctrinate Junie in gift-giving if we choose not to*. It's *not actually obligatory for her*, insofar as she answers primarily to us. Sure, it's a big cultural deal and we would have to help her navigate the flak around not just playing along - we'd certainly have to teach her enough about it to understand the idea, and to be able to do it appropriately if she wanted to - but, like, *I could never receive a gift from her*. ::rainbows and stars:: I could raise her to not give me presents and she would grow up not doing it and we could be totally free, between us, of at least that particular strand of the whole stupid web. Snip!

Would one strand even make a difference? I'm not sure. The relatives seem to take great delight in giving her things, or at least claim that *not* being allowed to do so would be vastly more burdensome than being indulged; they are surely all assuming that we're going to raise her to reciprocate, and I'm sufficiently brainwashed that it would feel very uncomfortable breaking the exchange rule. And for that matter the schools may have her making Craft Objects To Give Your Mommy and I wouldn't want that to be upsetting for her if she knows she's not supposed to give her Mommy things but the school said to, wah. So she's pretty entangled in the damn web.

It was just crazy liberating for a moment to realize that maybe we could carve a little space between us where this social norm doesn't sit *quite* so heavily, that maybe she'll never have to lie to me about appreciating things she didn't want, that maybe she won't have any idea what to get me and I'll be able to say "thanks, but I already have everything I want" and she'll actually be able to hear me say it. I could choose not to command that performance. We could *win*, we don't *have* to play.

Comments

[miraling.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, I was raised largely outside of the Christmas gift-giving culture and a kids-giving-gifts culture in general. My sister and I don't really give gifts to our parents or feel obligated to do so, or to any other family members, for that matter, but our parents are still able to give gifts to us when they like. So, um, I don't know, but the whole Christmas gifts thing seems really stressful and I'm happy to continue to largely opt out. I think my mom basically handled buying any of those obligatory-type gifts and I didn't feel like I was left out.

gifts of love

[eastgategirl.livejournal.com]

I'd say that giving to others is an impulse to be nurtured. When kids pick up a leaf and bring it home to mommy, it's not because someone told them to; it's because the desire to share something beautiful with those we love is, I think, universal. And I think that the desire to reciprocate when someone does something nice for us is undeniable. What feels phony (my book club just read The Catcher in the Rye) is the institutionalized and commercialized holiday gift-giving scenario where a gift is expected.

The only gift I want from Junie is her presence. She is generous about including me in her imaginative play, and I treasure that. But I also like it when I find things that I think will please her and stimulate her imagination, so I'd hate to have my gift giving restricted. I don't need anything in return. I have to admit, though, that when I give her a kiss and she kisses me back, that fills my heart. I guess I have to conclude that, when they aren't forced, both reciprocity and generosity can make us very happy.

[kelilah.livejournal.com]

Well, since our gift-receiving events were birthdays and Hanukkah, not Christmas, it's probably a bit different. But our parents would give us little things for Hanukkah--a pretty barrette one night, say. Our presents to our parents are more along the lines of doing things--I tend to cook dinner for their anniversary (and the first time I did this was in high school, so it's not a being-an-adult thing) or make a cake for birthdays. Or there's the sort of general philosophy of present-giving in my immediate family, which is "I saw this thing and thought you would like it, so I purchased it for you, even though there is no gift-giving event right now."

I liked reading your thoughts, too. Perhaps try framing it not as Junie's not *supposed* to give you things, but that she doesn't *need* to give you things. I would totally make pretty craft things and give them to my parents, because I had had fun making them and I thought they would like having them. But again, it's not because of a major gift-giving event; it's just because.

[ursula]

I'm not sure my parents ever bought stuff for me to "give". When I was very small my parents got craft projects, and when I got older my sister and I clubbed together and bought our parents things out of our allowances, or made more elaborate craft projects. (I'm coming from the opposite direction, though: holiday gift-giving was a huge and generally happy thing in my family, and probably shouldn't take over your post.)

[aryky.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, this post made me feel happy.

[cereph.livejournal.com]

In general, I do enjoy the gift exchange thing, though usually that's when I see something that makes me think of the person, or that I know they would like. I do get stressed sometimes with the obligation aspect of it, although usually for me it's that I want to give a person something they would like and am not coming up with a good idea, as opposed to I'd rather not get them anything at all.

I think with Junie, you could let her know that while she doesn't have to get you anything, that doesn't mean you don't want the crafts or other things she'd be potentially bring you from school. Maybe encourage gifts that are not things, but are maybe performing a song or dance or something else?

[jaipur.livejournal.com]

I'm not part of that horrible Christmas stress of gift-giving, so I don't quite see the fear of that or the attraction of not doing it. (I know my hubby *hates* getting gifts for his parents because it is a reminder of how irrelevant they all are to each other's lives. But it doesn't have to be that way!) I really like giving gifts, and I think an important part of gift-giving and receiving is to see not the gift but the intent behind it, the person who gave it to you and their inherent value as a loved one. (Which I'll grant took me many years to learn and I still remember I hurt my mother badly one year when I clearly didn't like the dress she gave me--but it's an important part of social interaction to learn that? maybe? for those of us for whom it does not come naturally?)

[sofer.livejournal.com]

My guess is that unless you specifically told Juniper she should give you and Josh gifts, she won't do it spontaneously (except for the craft project at school thing.) That's the way it was in my family. My parents got me and my brothers gifts, but we never got them anything. Now, if we were all together for the Chanukah, I might get them something, but since we usually aren't I don't bother. I'm sure that situation would appall some people, but it's just the way it was, and I'm sure if my parents wanted us to give them gifts, or have the siblings exchange gifts, they would have taught us to do so.