overly sensitive?

[psocoptera]

So I was generally grumpy about the length and format of the preschool open house I went to on Thursday, and it's possible that if I hadn't already been in a bad mood about that, I would have brushed this off and it wouldn't still be bugging me, but it is, so I'd like other people's perspectives. One of the speakers said that she was a working mother, and then added this little disclaimer, "but of course every mother is a working mother, and every dad has two jobs."

Um, okay. What about the dads with *one* job, you know, primary caretaker while their partner goes to work? Admittedly, this isn't my own personal situation, and for all I know it wasn't the situation of any of the people there that night, so maybe it's inappropriate for me to take offense. But, I don't know. Stay at home dads are my professional colleagues, they deserve as much credit as anyone else in our industry, solidarity! And, I guess I do feel a little personally annoyed, in that I like to think of my staying home as a decision we made in response to our particular specific situation, that could have gone another way under other circumstances, and marginalizing the other options makes it seem like less of a choice. But maybe that's just a lie I tell myself anyways and we're totally upholding the patriarchy. (But I'd still like to be a good ally to my colleagues.)

Comments

reasonably sensitive

[eastgategirl.livejournal.com]

Those in the majority culture often don't realize the sexist/racist/ageist bases of many of their assumptions. Indeed, they'd deny them. I'd say that you were sensitive to and aware of the cluelessness of the privileged "working mother." Reasonably sensitive.

[gannet.livejournal.com]

I think your reaction was sensible. Her comment made an assumption that the shape of everyone's family life is the same, which is pretty clearly untrue.

[amyprime.livejournal.com]

I think you're not wrong, but you're unlikely to find someplace where nobody thinks that way. Even people familiar with the concept find it strange -- "You know, the guy down the street from me is a *stay-at-home dad*." "Really? *Wow*. That' just *fantastic* of him."

[psocoptera.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, that's exactly what people would say, isn't it.

[belecrivain.livejournal.com]

yeah, I'm surprised she said that, given that the economy has meant a lot more SAHDs than there used to be.

coincidentally, I said to Mike last night, "It's like, if I want a break from my job, I have to ask you to work a second job."

[irilyth]

> I said to Mike last night, "It's like, if I want a break from my job, I have to ask you to work a second job."

There's something to that; on the other hand, when it's not your full-time job, it can feel more like fun than like a job. Not just parenting -- lots of people do lots of things for fun that other people do for work... Sometimes even the same people doing the same things, in a slightly different context. :^) (e.g. people who work with computers for a living, and also as a hobby)

[psocoptera.livejournal.com]

But if everyone is tired and not having fun, someone still has to do the work...

[irilyth]

No, it's true. I'm just sayin' that the same activity can feel different if it's your full-time job, or if it's a hobby.

[jaipur.livejournal.com]

At least she recognized that dads who work are supposed to put in time at home just the way moms who work do--that's a step up from 20 years ago. ;)

[psocoptera.livejournal.com]

True! Progress!

[myalexandria.livejournal.com]

parents of the world unite; you have nothing to lose but your chains!

in all seriousness, of course you're right, and not too over-sensitive--although given how widespread this particular misconception is, it's probably best if you can convince yourself not to get too worked up about each individual instance.

but the insight that the daily work of taking care of and raising kids is, in fact, work, and is not somehow an "unproductive" "drain" on the economy but actually a crucial input into the economy (producing workers) which is a ridiculously good deal for businesses (who get workers without having to pay anything like the true cost of producing them) -- this is one of feminism's big deal ideas. So it's sort of nice that this woman has at least picked up on *that*, if not on the idea that the unpaid one might be the guy.

[interestingly, recent research on women who make the choice to stay home and/or go part time at an outside job indicates that they all do frame it as a rational choice made in response to their particular situations, even though many of them, if pressed further, say that they would prefer to be working outside the house full-time, if only the world were *completely different*--free or low-cost childcare were available, or they could make as much as their husbands make. I actually think your situation is genuninely different, in that what emerges from many of these interviews is that the women liked their paid jobs a lot more than you did. But it's good food for thought on the way people frame their semi-involuntary responses to structural issues as individual decisions.]

[psocoptera.livejournal.com]

Given the cultural pressure to frame *everything* as a free choice, this doesn't really surprise me, yeah. I mean, I'm aware of it and also submerged in it. ::shrugs::

[vardibidian.livejournal.com]

My own situation, when I was the non-income-generating parent taking the kid to preschool, was that I would be offended but not hurt, if you know what I mean. So, as far as this colleague goes, I am pleased that you noticed, but it's also OK if you can let it go, now that you have noticed. And, as people have commented, it's at least good that the expectation is that the Dad has work to do at home.

Or, alternately, every (or nearly every) dad has two jobs: father and husband! Some also generate revenue for the house.

By the way, I recently mentioned to an acquaintance that I am the laundry guy at our house, and the acquaintance responded with an amusing story about a female friend who had a whole sweater collection ruined when her husband decided to help out with the laundry. I let it go in the conversation, but I was both offended and hurt, and am still worrying at it a month later. I bring it up to assure you that at least some of your male colleagues in parenting are still sensitive to this stuff generally, and appreciate your not being one of the Bad Guys.

Thanks,
-V.

[psocoptera.livejournal.com]

But, but, if men were meant to do laundry they'd have basket-carryin' hips!

Seriously, how is it people are fine with men being, like, surgeons, but they don't think they can follow washing instructions? Is the idea that laundry is so lowly an activity that important people like men would never bother to learn anything about it?

[irilyth]

I wonder if it's a Feminine Mystery TM thing: It's not that it's hard, it's that it's Mysterious TM, in a way that the Male Brain TM simply can't comprehend.

Don't get me started about knitting, either

[vardibidian.livejournal.com]

Yes, and also of course men don't ever own any clothes that require special laundry treatment.

Actually, as it happens, I make sure not to own any clothes that require special laundry treatment (other than the dry clean only stuff), and strongly discourage everybody else from making trouble for the laundry guy. But seriously: laundry? Not that hard.

I also remember a conversation about kid's laundry where I suggested putting infant/toddler socks in a mesh bag, so tiny things don't get sucked into the drain, and my neighbor was impressed that I knew that such a thing as a mesh laundry bag existed. Er, yes. They are bags, made of mesh. Not a tricky concept, even for somebody without basket-carrying hips.

Thanks,
-V.

[kelilah.livejournal.com]

Our back stairs (down to the land of the laundry) are narrow enough that the basket actually has to be carried in front. So this means that the laundry-doer has to have strong arms and back, and there's one person in this household that is more well-supplied with those qualifications. :^) That's also the person in this household who generates more, and larger, laundry. So he does it 90% of the time, and he knows that practically none of my clothes go in the dryer, and nothing's ever gotten ruined. He's also been doing his own laundry since he was 12, which helps--his mom said, "okay, time to do your own laundry, this is how you do it," and that was it.