how to not listen so kids won't talk

[psocoptera]

The past two school mornings I've followed a pretty ruthless policy of changing the subject or refusing to engage on the topic of preschool. It made Wednesday morning vastly more pleasant (no tears until drop-off!) but then maybe backfired when she apparently cried for a long time *after* drop-off, leading me to wonder if she just needs to cry for two hours. This morning, though, I tried it again, and we had a tearful farewell, but at the same time she was getting out pens and paper to draw. Taking the initiative in starting an activity seems like a huge step up from just being overwhelmed in misery, and she apparently had a pretty good morning. And she ate some snack *and* some lunch.

And then in the middle of writing this post, she came up and asked for "Llama Llama Misses Mama", and in the middle of *that* she started crying and saying "no more preschool", so we snuggled and talked and snuggled and talked and she was upset upset upset until I finally announced that she didn't have school again until Tuesday and that was three days we didn't need to worry about it and it was time for dancing, and I put on music and stood up with her and she said "no dancing" but was smiling and distracted from her woe and a successful rest of evening was had.

I know those parenting books told me I was supposed to acknowledge my kid's feelings and encourage her to express them, but honestly I think she just works herself up. Not dwelling on things seems like a perfectly reasonable life skill and one I've never been great at, but maybe one it's not too early to introduce. I guess I have to make it clear she *can* tell me things, in case there's something I don't already know that I need to know about, but "it sucks when Mama leaves" is not actually new information.

(I really hated the theory that she just needed two hours of crying whenever she was finally allowed to break down; the obvious temptation was to let her do them at school, when we are paying considerable sums of money for her to be someone else's problem for awhile. But of course we want school to be a fun and happy place, so strategically I guess I would have to put up with them.)

Comments

[irilyth]

> I know those parenting books told me I was supposed to acknowledge my kid's feelings and encourage her to express them, but honestly I think she just works herself up. Not dwelling on things seems like a perfectly reasonable life skill and one I've never been great at, but maybe one it's not too early to introduce.

Yeah, I dunno about the how-early-to-introduce part, but I do think that it's useful to be able to talk about things that are bothering you, and then not dwell on them. So I think it's totally fine to talk about it, and make it clear that it's ok to talk about it, and that you want to talk about it, but that once you understand how she feels, there's no point in dwelling on it. That she should be aware of what makes her unhappy, but not let it consume her, or prevent her from enjoying the vast vast majority of things in her life that don't make her unhappy. :^)

Is my two cents anyway.

[aryky.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I feel like I didn't really learn how not to dwell on things until I was in my mid-twenties (I mean, not that I'm saying I'm perfect at it now, but until my mid-twenties I feel like I had a 0% success rate, or even that the idea that actively trying not to dwell on my problems was something I could do that would be useful hadn't even completely registered). So I am totally encouraging you to at least present Junie with this as a plausible life skill; even if she doesn't learn it at this age, perhaps having it reinforced throughout her childhood will mean she picks up the concept sooner than I did?

[jaipur.livejournal.com]

I think part of it at that age is being allowed to express your feelings and know that mommy and daddy care, but mommy and daddy model that it's not a big deal, it's ok to be sad and then go dance. :)