doing hard things

[psocoptera]

After a cheerful drop-off, Junie's tears started yesterday around snack time when it sunk in that I was really gone, and kept up for... awhile. When I picked her up after lunch she was really subdued, but she still said, when asked, that she had fun and thought she would have fun tomorrow, she had just been a little sad at snack.

This morning she seemed eager to go ("c'mon Mama let's go to school") but when I said it was time for me to leave her face crumpled and, oh, there were tears. We snuggled for a little bit while I told her encouraging things and she stuck her hands up my sleeves and tried to hold on to me, and then I told her I was going to do a hard thing and stand up and go now, and did. The teacher took her to the window to wave goodbye and I blew her kisses from the sidewalk and walked away even though I could hear her still crying.

She was quiet and subdued again at pickup and there were a couple of rounds of tears tonight when the subject of preschool came up, or when she just happened to think of it.



The specific focus of her sad right now is meals; she's not eating her snack or lunch, and she's very hysterically insistent that I should be there for lunch, that I should come help, that the teacher should get me, etc. Making eating the issue is not entirely surprising, since it's probably one of the few things she feels like she can control right now (it was probably going to be either that or toileting, which may yet have its day, although, hey, accident-free preschool attendance so far). In one way, I'm not too worried about it - division of responsibility, I make sure she has access to food, it's up to her whether she eats it or not - but there is an unfortunate feedback thing in which hunger/associated basketcaseness makes it harder to cope with everything else. I think I erred in suggesting that as the preschool day lengthens it's going to be more important for her to eat so she won't be hungry (so far I've just given her a late lunch at home), because now she's worried about that, and, I think, dreading the idea that she's going to have to stay even longer. Have rescripted my talking points with Josh and we'll see if that helps. (I wish they'd let us send things like cookies and juiceboxes, as I feel like one way over the barrier might be the temptation of super-high-value foods. Hm... sausage and olives for Friday?)

So... yeah. I kind of wish I had a chart of typical adjustment patterns to give me a sense of whether this is like the hardest part and it's going to get better from here, or if it's going to get even worse, or what. I am definitely second-guessing myself like crazy (but am also determined to stay the course for at least the rest of the month, if that makes any sense). When I was leaving her this morning I was telling her how part of the deal of preschool is that there are lots of cool things to do but I couldn't stay, and the teacher chimed in with "Mama has to go to work", and I was just like "I don't work" (not real smoothly but, y'know, attention on tiny heartbroken child; the teacher was like, "ohhh, that explains, yesterday, we said you were at work and she kept insisting you were at home"), which just served to remind me that I don't *have* to be doing this to her, I just thought it was a good idea. (Goals: meet other children, introduction to idea of going to school, do some fun stuff that Mama didn't come up with, get some inevitable communicable illnesses out of the way before advent of actual academics, get adjusted to some out-of-home care looong before any possible younger sibling to avoid feeling of being shoved out and replaced.) And I still think our goals are good goals... but then, I would think that. I keep thinking about the burn scene in James Morrow's _City of Truth_ and how one could claim any number of things were for your child's own good and if they were normative in your culture, you'd just have no way to evaluate their barbarity... I mean, I'm sure my savannah ancestors didn't force their babies into institutional care. Industrial society is really weird! Except here we are, so we might as well live in it! Except... gaaah.

What I am telling myself is that I am trying to make her world larger, not smaller; this is a value I've chosen as a major parenting value, and so that's how I can evaluate. What I am telling myself is that, in fact, I do not want her to grow up shielded from ever trying to do something hard. (She might have to abandon *her* crying baby someday...) What I am telling myself is that, yes, part of why she's stuck having to do this is to compensate for my own failings (if I had better social abilities, she might have been able to encounter other kids outside of an institutional setting), but that was always inevitably going to be true in some fashion.

I still really wish I had been able to find her a school where she could attend half-day. Full day is just too long, it's way too much to expect of her so suddenly, plus half-day would make the eating thing a non-issue. But there's only so hard I can kick myself (not very) for not magically knowing I needed to do preschool applications a full year in advance, so, we're just going to have to muddle through this somehow. (Mixed ages might also be nice; there's an elementary-aged child of one of the teachers (I assume) there in the mornings who Junie very much wants to talk to, and I totally bet she'd eat snack with an inspirational role model to follow. And littles should totally be learning things by observing bigs. Stupid industrial age-segregation... but that's a different rant.) At least it's just three days a week; we get a break tomorrow, before we find out if the third time's the charm, or if it doesn't get better just a little bit worse.

Comments

new things are hard

[eastgategirl.livejournal.com]

New things are hard for all of us. My first classes of the semester were today, and though I love doing it and I've been teaching for decades, each class brings new challenges, new excitement, new trepidation. But the way we learn to deal with it is by doing it. All of your reasons for sending Junie to school are excellent ones. It's an adjustment right now, but I predict that sooner than you think, she'll be wanting to go five days and not just three. And she'll be eating lunch and snack, too.

[gallian.livejournal.com]

I have students who are still struggling with that whole eating thing. and preschool is long in our past.

might I suggest tempting foods that meet preschool's healthy eating rules? (does she like sweet fruits for example?) special crackers that Junie and mommy pick out on a special trip to the store and set aside just for preschool. (set aside a set for mommy too "I won't be there, but I'll have some too!")

my mom was a stay-at-home mom too, and she did the preschool separation to me too for the exact same reasons. for me, it was exactly the right thing to do. I *needed* those schools to survive the big world of academia (you know, aka, kindergarten....)

[gannet.livejournal.com]

Sympathies--we did the same thing with T, sending him to child care for the experience. It was absolutely a good thing for us, at least during those years. It does have its hard moments. (Oddly, difficulty with dropoff didn't happen for us until 3/4 of the way through the first year.)

[myalexandria.livejournal.com]

I'll ask my mom about the beginning of preschool. She was a stay-at-home mom too, although I was pretty used to being babysat, etc, when she freelanced occasionally.

I suspect that this is probably one of those tough-it-out things, though. Adjustments are just hard. I keep reminding myself about that with the freshmen -- how difficult the first month of college is, as you're ripped away from your family/friends and have to learn an entirely new social system. Industrial society is indeed weird! OTOH, your goals (and the goals of college) are both pretty great, and point out the *benefits* of industrial society (way less stifling).

[prof-fran.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain; recently Max followed me out of the house and hung on the side view mirror of the car and howling in the driveway. You feel like a heel.

But I also agree that you're doing something that will enrich your daughter's experience of the world.

Obviously, you will have a sense of this if after several days, she won't eat at school. Some kids really aren't ready--my brother was sent home because he couldn't adjust and would really spend the day crying.

On food--I agree with you that access is a first responsibility and with gallian that special foods may woo. Brynnen at that age was more inclined to eat if the food was cut into fun shapes or arranged like a face/scene.

Good luck. I honor how hard you work to do right by Junie when the questions and answers are so confusing in themselves.

[aryky.livejournal.com]

I do find this fascinating - I do think that were I ever to have a kid it would definitely point out to me very starkly some of the ways in which our society is frustrating and weird. But, yes, you also have to bring up a Junie who's able to live in our imperfect world, and it does sound like you are set to do a good job of that :)

[irilyth]

> I still really wish I had been able to find her a school where she could attend half-day.

My impression is that these guys will let her continue to leave early for a while, if they think it's what she needs. I think we should talk to them about it if things don't get better. She is a resilient little person, and Friday may already be very different from Wednesday. :^)

[allectofromlj]

She will get used to it eventually, honestly she will. That's not to say it won't be hard on all of you in the mean time, but it *will* become a part of her routine if you can just hold on.

I agree with the idea of tempting foods -- even just making a normal food more fun by cutting a sandwich into fun bites, or adding whimsy. We used to give the kids little pretzel sticks, goldfish, and cream cheese sometimes. They'd dip the sticks in the cream cheese and then "go fishing," and it was a blast both for them doing the eating and for us watching them. Maybe it would help, too, if she got to help you prepare some of the food, or pick out what she wanted.

You have probably had some variation of a talk with her about how Mommies always come back, but it doesn't hurt to repeat it. There are story books out there to deal with separation anxiety issues, too, which might help. The Kissing Hand is more about sibling rivalry/jealousy, but it definitely has the idea of missing Mommy in it, and it might help as a comfort mechanism, that she can "keep" you kiss in her hand all day and have you there. Does the preschool have any kind of book with photos from home in it? Sometimes it helps kids to look at the pictures and get to talk to the other kids in the class about their families... Also, is she allowed to bring a favorite stuffed animal or sleep-toy from home? Because one of my little boys had a photo of his older sister that we laminated and he would clutch it at naptime. Maybe you could do something similar?

I will say I'm surprised the teachers assumed you had a job; that's not something I'd ever have assumed...

[psocoptera.livejournal.com]

We've been reading "Llama Llama Misses Mama" for the past few months (it's actually occurred to me to wonder if that's where she's gotten the idea that mealtimes are particularly hard, because Llama Llama has his breakdown over snack? Probably not, but kids are funny...). And we were told to bring in a family picture on the first day, so she's had that, dunno if they actually look at it. We tried sending Gecko with her today, no idea if it ever left her cubby.

I assume most of the SAHPs are sending their kids to the awesome cooperative preschools around here, and the people opting for our full-day place are mostly people who need care during business hours? (We ourselves might have sent Junie to an awesome cooperative preschool if we had gotten our applications in before January...)

[nearly-there.livejournal.com]

I think you've got a lot of great ideas here already -- I especially like the tempting-but-healthy foods and learning Mommy-comes-back stories -- so I'm mostly just offering support. It IS really hard, but your reasons are important ones (even if they mostly reflect that our society is really weird in a lot of ways). One of my co-workers is dealing with a very similar situation with her 2 1/2 year old and his day care right now. His big trouble is sleep, though. He's used to his own quiet room and bed, and doesn't want to lay down with the other kids on their cushions when it's nap-time.

Most kids are pretty adaptable even though it can take awhile, and the teachers will let you know if they think Junie really isn't ready for a full day. Can you chat with the teachers at the end of the day to get a detailed report? Is there time for Junie to show you what she did at school when she gets picked up? Those little social rewards might be helpful reinforcements, too.

[tapas.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Hard, so hard. I have no experience in any of this yet. But I sympathize with your desire for a chart to tell you what is typical. I have been hanging out on the LJ groups parenting101 and attachedparents just for that reason, to try to get some feel for what will be coming up in C's developmental future and the range of normal and typical problems and most common solutions. One thing often suggested there for this issue is to give the child something associated with you that they can wear or have in their pocket - a photo, a bracelet. That way they can look at it and touch it when they miss you and you can assure them that you're coming back for your X at the end of the day. (Bizarre to me that they might better believe that mommy will come back for her bracelet than that mommy will come back for them, but evidently sometimes true.)

[belecrivain.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

we are in the same boat at the same time, although Sheen is apparently doing much better at preschool this week then she was a week ago (she started the 23rd).

[adfamiliares.livejournal.com]

If it helps you feel better, studies show that the socialization provided by pre-school produces dramatic dividends later in life: http://www.npr.org/blogs/money/2011/06/13/137109349/the-friday-podcast-the-case-for-preschool. Hang in there.

[rebeccapaul.livejournal.com]

Jonah was very sad at preschool dropoffs at first (and then when we switched preschools). It did take a while - maybe on the order of a few weeks? But he eventually was fine with full day care (of many types). Happily, kindergarten at a new school involved no crying (though there were requests to go back to the old school).

So, as you guessed, she'll probably adjust. And she'll have fun.